Put the Fish on the Table!

It was an unease that was bothering them both. The HR head was aware that his relationship with his L&D Head, a direct report, was a bit icy and challenged. So was the case with the L&D Head. Over a period of time differences in views on how exactly the capability agenda should be driven in the business, had grown. This had, not surprisingly, a spillover effect on how they worked together! They also had marked differences in their communication styles. Where the HR head preferred a friendly, ‘knowing the other person’ type of style, the L&D Head was very direct, to the point yet effective. There were covert signals suggesting that their respect for each other was waning. They rationalized to themselves that it was a clash of personalities and that was the way it was going to be. But it was not the case. Their relationship went further south and eventually one of them left the business — There is no prize for guessing who left?

Doesn’t this sound familiar?  We all must have had similar experiences in life – being in a relationship and yet not being free, open and fully comfortable. There is some sort of niggling somewhere!  

Scores of leaders and managers, I have known, have shared this concern with me. It all starts well with openness and respect but then over time and with interaction through the task system, something gets triggered that marks a change. Slowly but surely, it goes frosty. We are unable to come together and ease the tension, something we advocate very easily to others! We often leave the situation as is, hoping perhaps that time would help to solve it — but alas that does not happen most of the times and the tension and misunderstandings only increase. So what’s the remedy — Is there one, we might ask?

There is an old Italian saying: “Put the fish on the table.” The expression comes from the fishermen of southern Italy. Why put the fish on the table? Because, if you keep a fish under the table, it will start to stink. It will make the whole place smelly and unlivable. On the table, you can cook it, eat it and be done with it. Under the table, it is bound to rot.

In my experience, the most difficult kind of dialogue is about conflicts, and resolving them; and a part of the territory of leadership is managing conflict. Prof. George Kohlrieser, an authority on High-Performance Leadership at IMD Lausanne, Switzerland, has an interesting take on this:

“Every leader recognizes that conflicts destroy inspiration and motivation. But if handled well they can also lead to increased motivation and inspiration — an impetus to move forward and to solve a problem. Conflict is a difference characterized by tension, emotionality, disagreement, and polarization. But that’s true only where bonding is broken or lacking. You and I can have a big difference but if we keep the bond, it’s not really a conflict. If we break the bond, a small difference can become a huge conflict.”

What does not breaking a bond mean?  It’s about putting the fish on the table! Contrary to what the popular opinion is or what we think, the process of such a conversation, where we put all our differences out in the open and engage in a free and frank chat,  is actually not that difficult or challenging. Often times, we give up even before trying! It is only in our mind that it appears large and daunting and often terrifying! 

Going back to where we started, If only the HR and L&D heads had had this discussion, where they laid bare everything to each other, it would not have come to this pass. They surely did not put the fish on the table! This calls for courage to engage and a deep commitment to oneself – of making every relationship endearing, respectful and open. After all, at the end of the day, when our accounts get finalized and we have said our good byes, all that will count is the quality of relationships that we consciously nurtured! The HR head has surely failed in retaining one of his top performers and more than that his credibility, as a spokesperson of an “open and respecting” organizational culture is under severe attack. 

The underpinnings of a relationship between people are “respect” and “listening to the other”. To constantly bear this in mind and be a good practitioner of these two values is not an easy task yet it is also not a daunting uphill to climb that it is beyond us. At work, we endlessly, focus on the task of maximizing results and performance. But what we often fail to recognize is that this task has a huge underbelly of emotions and feelings. And it is this underbelly that drives performance.  Yet, it is part of our culture that we don’t often bring this up and fashion a conversation around it. Not just when it is on the boil but as a routine — to ensure our emotional wellbeing.  As Leaders and Managers, should we revisit this space and re-explore?

Do you need to put the fish on the table?